what might have been

i oscillate between anger and shame when i think about how depression and anxiety have held me back from having an actual career or choosing a better-suited major in college or standing up for myself in certain situations throughout life...or even truly enjoying my wedding day without a dark depressive cloud hanging overhead...and wondering what in the WORLD was my problem. i remember wondering if i had cancer or some kind of sickness...why did i feel so darn tired all the time when physicals always showed me as a very healthy person? why was my first instinct to going out or doing things, which are normally enjoyed by many, to be exhausting and unfulfilling? there are times when i sit in my cubicle and think "ok, i have a college degree...it was valuable...it taught me critical thinking; it taught me to challenge ideas and systems; it gave me a well-rounded sample of science, the arts, math, history...but i "wasted" time in a major, spanish, that i never necessarily enjoyed in the first place. i claimed spanish as my major because i was good at reading it, writing it, and comprehending it, (BAD at speaking it due to anxiety hangups and perfectionism about pronouncing everything flawlessly) and could always ace tests or come close to acing every test. the grammar of spanish just made sense and clicked. i sit there in my cubicle thinking...if only i had landed such and such job, we would have been homeowners right away...we could have gone to europe...we could have done this or that or given more money to church or people in need, but no, i have held us back.

then, post graduation, my life went into a downward spiral of fear and despair. i was away from all my college friends who were either still finishing up at cedarville or lived in different states. then i found out that my TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages) certificate was no good in getting an ESL teaching job in MN...i would have to return to school to get a degree in education. so i tried interviewing through temp agencies for about 6 months until i finally got a job at ford motor credit in september of 2004, which i loathed with all of my being. at that time i was still dealing with undiagnosed, untreated, debilitating depression...and then i got married a few months later in january 2005. a major life change while wondering why my brain was so messed up and why i thought about things in such a dark and sad way. furthering my career or going back to school was not a possibility at this point. i was in such an unstable frame of mind at that time that i would not have been able to handle a master's program. then i had the honor of being a bridesmaid in my best friend, julia's wedding. it hit me at the rehearsal dinner that i would not be seeing her regularly after this as she would be entering a life of traveling far away with her husband who serves in the military. i cried and cried at that dinner. then the sicknesses started...flu, stomach flu, fever, sinus infections, colds every 2-3 weeks. then finally i started talk therapy and the therapist referred me to a psychiatrist...and that started the whole process of finding medications...but i will not bore you with that.

so back to my original thought...there are times i kick myself for being, in my eyes, an utter failure. anger at myself for not pushing my advisor at college for more help to guide me into a better field that suited me. there are times that i am so angry that i haven't landed jobs i have interviewed for because i have blanked out on questions because of my anxiety issues or getting distracted by formulating the perfect answers...

as a christian, i believe (not as strongly as i wish i did) in the promise of romans 8:28...that all things work for the good of those who love God...that each and every one of us is given a set of circumstances, a personality, environment, upbringing that shape our lives and set us on a course...that God has a plan and he knows the best for me...even if i don't understand why or what is going on in the meantime. not that i believe we are robots who are just going through the motions that we are programmed for, but i definitely find comfort in knowing that what i do, what i have become is exactly what/where/who i am supposed to be right now, and God will show me the way and guide me along. so i have decided (about 100 times now at different places in my life) that God made me this way for a reason-that my imperfections, perceived failures, personality can be used for his glory somehow, and that perhaps being discontent with my circumstances and my unique chemical and biological makeup is quite dishonoring to him and his loving, all-knowing character.

do you ever wonder who you might have been if you had taken a different route in life? if you had different circumstances? how do you handle regret or your perceptions of failure? how do you view these kinds of things as a christian?