johnson family tales: surprised by grief

I have missed my grandmother so much since her passing on August 9th. It still doesn't seem real that she is gone. The funeral was so beautiful, and I loved that we sang one of her favorites, Beautiful Savior. During the funeral, I kept thinking during different readings or sharing of biographical facts-- "I didn't know that about her! How did I not know that?"

my handsome grandparents

I have felt somewhat surprised by the magnitude of my sadness after her passing and what it means for the family. An end of an era. End of a generation. Now that both my grandpa and grandma are gone, I feel like nothing will ever be the same without them again. No more seeing them looking out onto Long Lake in Park Rapids. No more seeing Grandma excitedly presenting a new mom and dad with the Christmas stocking she just finished knitting for the newest grand baby. No more Grandma enjoying birthday parties for the girls. No more donut dates with her and the girls. The finality of death is absolutely jarring.

My sister's tribute: "I'll never be able to listen to "Beautiful Savior" without thinking of my Grandma. She loved being in choir at St. Olaf and music in general; she instilled the same wonder in me when I went to the St. Olaf Christmas concerts and felt the warm hug that is all the choirs gathering round the audience in a big circle to sing this hymn. I can easily imagine her in the choirs of heaven, singing this song in the most unimaginably beautiful harmonies - maybe even with Olaf Christensen himself! Rest in peace, Grandma, with the One who shines purer, shines fairer than all the angels in the sky."

Below is a picture of my grandma when she came to visit me in the hospital after giving birth to Stella. She brought this famous brick-pattern baby blanket for Stella.

One morning the girls and I brought over doughnuts and coffee to share with Grandma. I will miss how much her eyes sparkled with joy when she interacted with the girls.

I shared this tribute of sorts on Facebook a few weeks after her death:

A few thoughts about grief 3 days after losing my grandma and 6 months after my grandpa died: I was never particularly close to my grandparents, and I often wondered if I would have a "proper" response to their deaths someday (as if there is any one correct response). Through God's wonderful grace, he has arranged and gifted various members of my family and me with some endearing, special moments before she died. A few weeks ago I texted my mom out of the blue that I was really going to miss Grandma whenever she is gone because I had really grown to enjoy her. I have found myself choking back tears multiple times since her passing early Sunday morning: turning onto Plymouth Rd from Mtka Blvd while passing St. David's School on Monday, which is only a few miles from her home; sitting in the waiting room at Stella's dance class realizing suddenly that I won't get to tell her about it. I will miss her followup questions and genuine interest in my life, Brett's life, our girls, my cousins, etc. I loved seeing how much SHE loved watching her daughter (my mom) enjoying being a grandmother to Stella and Grace. She was sympathetic and encouraging to me about raising kids during "the little years".

Another facet of grief I've observed is watching my mom and her 8 siblings grieving the loss of their mom. They grieved their dad too, of course, but what is it about losing a mom that seems especially poignantly painful? Maybe it was because she was so verbal and "with it" up to the very end while, as one of my aunts put it: "Grandpa was just a shell of his true self toward the end. She was very much herself up to the very end."

There were times that after the BSF lecture, I knew my grandma wanted to see the girls, and I would be so tired and I knew they were so hungry for lunch, but I never once regretted hanging around so we could hug and greet her. We will always be hungry, tired, or stressed, but we only have people in our lives for so long. May we always have the grace to be gentle, kind, and gracious to the elderly. After one BSF day that each group got to bring coffee, Grandma marveled at the coffee one of the ladies brought that she had never tried. I asked her what kind it was, and she said, "Caribou! It was so good!"

Before one of our donut dates with my girls, she called to say that she believed there was a coupon at Cub for the old-fashioned donut (her favorite), and if there wasn't a coupon, to not get that kind since it would be too much. I assured her it wasn't a big deal and not to worry. (They are like 89 cents).

Three days into "grief week" and all I want to do is cry and be with family. Linger when I "should have" left hours ago. Talk about memories. Talk about what we will miss. The talking and spending of time together makes me resent and appreciate the pulling together that a funeral always seems to provide. It makes me want to invest in my family.

I also dread this little window into what the pain of losing my own parents someday will be like.

I think of the "little deaths" of stages of life, even when they are natural like our kids growing up (I started crying when I received Stella's preschool paperwork in the mail yesterday). Next week I'll "grieve" my brother, sister-in-law, and niece's return to Qatar. Little sad lettings-go here and there that make you long for the day of no more pain, loss, and saying goodbye.
As the Hedstrom clan mourns the loss of our patriarch and matriarch, we can't help but feel the keen loss of a generation, an era has come to a close. I hope we can continue to carry on a legacy of the best characteristics of a family that God brought together decades ago.

Her obituary minus the visitation and funeral details:

Hedstrom, Marilyn Jean (Morgenson) age 88, of Minnetonka, MN, passed away on August 9, 2015. Marilyn was born and raised in Rochester, MN. She graduated from Rochester High School and studied Art and English at St. Olaf College where she sang in the St. Olaf Choir under Olaf Christiansen, graduating in 1948. During her senior year, she met Burton Hedstrom whom she married in 1949. She raised 9 children, managing a busy household while also pursuing her passions, which included literature, traveling the world, art, music, watching sports, friendships far and wide, and hunting for bargains at a good sale. She was in her element while cooking family dinners, knitting and sewing, sharing books that touched her, and spending summers at the cabin. But of all of these interests, her faith and biblical studies were most important to her and she diligently attended Bible Study Fellowship for over 45 years. Preceded in death by her husband, first child, parents, and brother Jack. Survived by children, Carl (Renee), Kari (Drake) Lorence, Mark (Kathy), Sara (Anthony) Macagnone, Peter (Sharon), Andrew (Lorinda), John (Mary), Marit (Mike) Sprenger, and Jin (Thom) Lien; 27 grandchildren, 4 great-grandchildren; brother, Donald (Leslie) and sister-in-law Gretta. Private interment at Ft. Snelling National Cemetery. In lieu of flowers, memorials preferred to American Heart Association of MN or Bible Study Fellowship.

Fun pictures from her life:

The day they met my aunt Jin when she arrived from Korea. From left to right: my uncle Carl, aunt Sara, aunt Jin with my grandma; my mom is holding my aunt Marit