dream come true

stella joy johnson: born 2:38 p.m. on june 8, 2011; 8 lbs. 14 oz. 20.5 inches


a note on her name: i first heard the name stella a couple years ago, and it always stuck with me as a name i would like for a daughter someday; it was also my grandpa hedstrom's mother's name; we chose joy as her middle name from psalm 30:5b: weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.

ever since i was a little girl, i thought about the day that i would become a mom. i would practice my mom skills by cradling my dolls in my arms and tenderly putting them down for their naps; when i was older, i enjoyed babysitting cousins and other kids, always making sure to sing to them before naps or bed, and often i would pray for them. then life got busy with college, and i met brett and fell in love, and life was about wanting to get married. we definitely were on the same page when it came to agreeing that we wanted to finish college and to work at least a few years before starting a family. the depression aside, brett and i have enjoyed the six years of marriage we had pre-stella. we went up north for weekend getaways; we went to new york city; we attended friends' weddings out of state; we vacationed in mexico; brett got his cfa program out of the way; we moved from an apartment into a home, etc.

but babies were at the back of my mind the whole time. there is something built inside of me-a yearning to be a mother; to nurture, to love a little one, and to raise him or her. we started trying for a baby at the end of 2009. 10 months later I was pregnant; 9 months and 9 days later, stella joy was born.

i love this baby so much. it's a very different kind of love. i love brett intensely in one kind of way and i love stella intensely in another way. we both feel so protective of her. we have both been praying that she will love Jesus. i feel such strong emotions when i hold her and look at her.

when i held her for the first time, i cried and cried happy tears. all those long months of trying to get pregnant and then the long pregnancy filled with nausea, discomfort, aching legs and back, swollen feet and legs, being overdue, back labor, the pain of contractions, the exhaustion of pushing, etc. had brought me a beautiful little baby. my baby. not a doll; not someone else's kids to take care of: this is my baby. we get to choose her name. we get to decorate her room. we get to bring her home and take care of her and raise her.

in the hospital, i opted to have the nurses keep stella in the nursery at night. every 3 hours, they would bring her to me to nurse. my heart would start beating faster when i heard the sound of her little cart being pushed toward my door, then the door opening, and then my sweet stella appeared. i loved her smell and warmth when i held her close to me.

after we went home, we had a pediatrician appointment the following monday. in the hospital, one of the pediatricians who had checked her told us that he had heard a murmur when he had listened to her heart. this concerned us, but he said to have it checked out. on monday, a different pediatrician listened to her heart and heard the murmur as well and said that although it is easy to be blase about murmurs, she wanted us to see a pediatric cardiologist at Children's hospital to have it checked out, so we headed over to the hospital because the specialist was able to see her right away. i cried the whole way over to the hospital. i didn't want anything bad to happen to this little life that we had just brought into the world. i was just getting acquainted. if something bad did happen, would i be able to trust God? would i hate him? would i turn away? i felt scared and helpless. we prayed together before the appointment. we really didn't know how serious it would be. we didn't know at that point just how common holes in hearts were. they ran tests on stella, and the pediatric cardiologist told us that stella indeed had a little 2mm-sized hole in her heart. the defect is called ventricular septal defect (vsd). she said that since the hole was so tiny, she believed it would close on its own. she said to come back in a year to see her. she also said that over the course of this year, stella's pediatrician might eventually not hear the murmur anymore. i felt relieved. i was already so hormonal from giving birth and crying non-stop, that these positive words made me feel so much better. we are still continuing to pray about this situation and would appreciate your prayers as well.

before we went into the appointment, i was filling out forms for stella. on one of the forms was a line that asked for my occupation. i choked back a little sob that came up my throat. tears filled my eyes. i wrote stay-at-home mom. my lifelong dream come true.

sometimes i feel like i need to pinch myself. is it really true? i'm a mom? i have a little baby in my care? how can i be so blessed to bear the title of mother?

i love you, stella. with God's help, i will strive to be the best mother you could ever have. i will mess up a lot, but my heart will be in the right place. i want to serve you and love you and raise you in a grace-based environment. your dad's and my love for you is unconditional. you have our hearts.