connectedness, fear, and my life lately

Seriously, starting these posts is the worst. My brain completely blanks. I think back to college and writing papers, and it seems like it was way easier then to come up with a thesis statement. Maybe that is because I was reading and writing constantly back then, and now my life looks a lot different. Anyway, I love when other bloggers write regular features like "Loving Lately" or "5 Things" or like my friend, Maggie does on Fridays: Friday Friends. I'm trying to think of a name for my own similar feature. All I could think of was the word blurbs. Sophisticated, I know.  I like when people post regularly, and I'd like to get into that groove as well. I love that I'm not a well-known blogger, and that the only person putting pressure on me to post is myself. LOL. The other day I was thinking what is the point of blogging? What does it meeeeaaan? Is it a study in narcissism? Then I thought about my Strengthsfinder strengths and how one of them is connectedness. Paired with my desire to connect is my other strength, empathy. Throw in my INFJ makeup, and maybe one could see how I like to reach out and share parts of my life and to read other people's blogs. When I was in the research portion of making my getting braces again decision, I sought out other people's blogs for posts about adults getting braces. I found SO many posts that shared their thoughts and feelings about getting braces and the whole process. I found it so helpful. I love finding solidarity for decisions and going through experiences. When I was pregnant, I loved reading pregnancy forums. When I went through the hell of poor newborn sleep, I googled posts of fellow parents experiencing the same problems. As I was debating whether or not to continue with my blog, I also started reading back months and then years of my past posts, and I found myself crying as I relived seasons of my life and realized how God was always the constant: he never changed. He was with me through every sad, challenging, or wonderful moment of my life. Even if only my own family or daughters read these posts some day, hopefully they can see how God always fits in the story of our lives. If any other random person reads my blog, I hope they can get glimpses of hope or feel connected in a very human way in this disconnected, harsh world.  Okay, are you ready for the blurbs? They may run the gamut of depressing, sad, happy, frivolous, but here we go.

1. On the day of the terrorist attacks on Paris last November, I was thrown into a spiral of fear and loathing of this world. I felt despair. I was at my parents' house when I first heard of the attacks, and I told them that this had influenced my decision not to have a third child. Then the attacks in California happened. Getting closer and closer to home. People who have no value on life--no appreciation of beauty, the arts, life itself, are killing people with no regard for their own lives as they are killed in the process. The world feels so out of control. At the same time, I have been studying the book of Revelation for BSF, and although the study is hopeful, much of it has to do with the end times and the fact that Christians are going to be tested big time. Although I know that my future is secure (Jesus absorbed the wrath of God for my sin by dying on the cross and then rising and living again, and when I die, or if he comes back before that, he will raise me up to eternal life in heaven), it is so easy to get caught in the terror and fear of life on this earth. I still have to get up every morning and face a seemingly progressively unsafe and unstable world. My clinical anxiety is not helping, either. There are days I feel strong and trust in God to transform every fearful thought and worst-case scenario into something better, but most days I find myself in the mire of depression and survival-type living rather than living and resting in Christ. This situation I find myself in will be something God and I need to work out together. Holding steadfast to my faith is my goal, and sometimes I feel so scared that I won't be able to do that. 

2. I've been getting migraines. I have the kind with aura so that means my vision goes wonky with the onset of the headache, and then bam! the headache arrives. Once the migraine is in full force, my fingers start to go numb and my tongue feels like it's 3 times the regular size and prickly and numb at the same time. Brett urged me to see my primary doctor to rule out anything scary, so I went to her, and she did a brief neurological test with me, and I seem fine in that area. She gave me an Imitrex prescription to take if the Excedrin doesn't do the trick first. There are so many possible triggers for migraines, so it may take me awhile to figure out mine.

3. I've been thinking of doing a Whole30/paleo/restrict carbs hybrid eating plan, but I can never commit to anything, which has been a source of self-loathing lately. I can't seem to get motivated to follow through on anything in my life right now. Everything is half-baked, half-done. That could be my old nemesis, depression, paying me a visit. I sometimes get in these epic ruts and, when I can't stand myself, I imagine or assume everyone thinks I am a loser. At the end of a BSF discussion, a negative inner voice tells me, "Well, you certainly didn't explain that thought very well. You could have elaborated so much better. They think you're stupid and inarticulate. So-and-so is so much more intelligent sounding when she speaks. You stumbled over your words again because you get so nervous that probably no one understood what you said." You guys, it's the worst! I sometimes wake up in the middle night and obsess over every conversation or event of the day. I know this isn't an uncommon problem, but living with clinical anxiety is absolutely horrible. PSA: be kind to all people. You don't know what they're struggling with or what burdens they carry.

4. I'm dying to get away and travel, yet the whole planning process and my anxiety throws a huge damper on my plans. I think about terrorism. Worst-case scenarios. I do have a couple trips coming up that I believe will serve my soul well. Sometimes I need to make a concerted effort for self-care and rest without distractions and obligations. Do you ever feel so depleted that you long for something to revitalize your soul and spirit? That's where I seem to be stuck right now. To have something to look forward to really helps me keep going. 

5. I've been enjoying my girls so much right now. I think we're entering some sort of sweet zone of their ages being awesome and, in spite of it being winter, I rather enjoy the reason to retreat to our home and spend quality time together reading, coloring, etc. Stella is going to kindergarten next fall, so I've felt an extra measure of urgency to just soak up all the time we can get together. 

the girl wanted to wear a summer dress for no apparent reason the other afternoon