jumbled

last weekend was rough. i didn't feel like going anywhere. talking to anyone. doing anything. just wanted to cry. i thought maybe it was just pregnancy-related feelings, but the part that scared me was that the feelings i was experiencing were akin to how i felt when i was going through a depressive episode. this scares me. i don't want to sink back into depression...especially not with a baby due in a couple months, let alone right after the birth when i need to be providing care for a very helpless little human. panic.

saturday night brett said that we needed to talk. he sensed i wasn't being myself. we faced each other and i couldn't even talk, but he waited. the tears came, but no words. he waited some more. i finally told him my fears about depression coming back. that i don't know who i am right now. i'm going to be a mom, but not yet. i have been either a student or working up until now, and my job is going to end on march 31st (which i am ecstatic about), and then i am going to be hurled into a huge life change (a life change i have been desiring for a very long time), which i know millions of people experience, but it's my experience. it's my life. and then there was some spiritual shakings-up. questions like God, do you really love me? i know i am going to heaven, but there are some days that i feel so low and i question my salvation. like i am supposed to trust in Christ but it seems so impossible. then sometimes i get mixed up from my old way of thinking...the way i was brought up in the former church. the legalistic stuff gets mixed in with the healthy gospel-living stuff and i feel panic. and i also get down from how "christianity" is getting jumbled up by false teachers or people who either lean too far to the liberty side of the spectrum while others teeter too far to the conservative side. (this is another blog post in of itself, believe me!)

i feel so low and things feel dark and i have no idea why i feel that way. depression is irrational, and after a few years of therapy, i am finally able to identify those irrational moments, but it doesn't mean i can just shove them in a room, lock it, and throw away the key. and maybe it is "just" pregnancy hormones, but i don't like when women are reduced to their emotions or hormones. i find that to be very sexist and dismissive of other underlying, deeper issues.

anyway, so as of now, we are going to wait to see if things get better when my job is done: when i have the opportunity to rest and go for walks during the day and take better care of myself. if i don't improve, then we will figure something out. in the meantime, i am praying and reading the Bible...these are concrete things i can do. i am going to bed when i'm tired and eating as healthy as i can.

so if i seem out-of-it and tired and unresponsive, it's not you. i just have a lot on my mind. and i need my space right now while i go through this.

and after writing this, i feel like this was so me-me-me. please believe me that i write this stuff and put myself out there because i want to help others if they feel this way, too. not that many people read this blog, which is fine by me, but anyway, i only gave this blog address to other christians...i think christians should be vulnerable about stuff like this, and i hope i can lead by example.