realizations

I wrote this post a few weeks ago, and then decided not to post it because I was worried it came across too melodramatic. Now I kind of don't care. I was going through a blue period and wrote this, so take it with a grain of salt. I am feeling better now and don't feel as intensely as I do about not making new friends, but I do feel the same about wanting to just be me and to be accepted for that.

i don't want to be you. you with the ready smile for your already-friends. you looking good on fb. you looking good at the parties, owning the social scene. you acting like you don't have a care. i thought i wanted to be you, but i realize i don't. i am me. i can't be you. i wasn't intended to be you. being american, i guess i have to market myself. hmm, let's see. am i hipster? no. am i a fashionista (most annoying term, btw)? no. frugal? no. spendy? no. baby-in-a-sling-wearing-earth-mama? no. one extreme on either side of the "christian liberty" spectrum? nope. craft-making lady? no. creative-photographer-blog-kind-of-chic? not even close. thrifty bargain and coupon clipper lady? nah. master cook who posts her outstanding recipes? let me see...never.

so (i think) i have decided to give up on being someone i'm not. i am a pretty plain person and i am okay with that. i like to read when i can. i used to play the piano. i went to college and got a degree in something i now have no interest in. i deeply empathize with people...sometimes so much that i can actually feel their pain in a very real way (blessing/curse thing, for sure). i know how to follow a recipe, but i have no ambitions or skills to create my own or to seek out ambitious culinary masterpieces. i have absolutely no desire to learn knitting or sewing or crafting. i can't explain that one, but i just possess no crafting aspirations. i appreciate fashion, but most days you will find me in jeans and a plain shirt. i like words, but my vocabulary really isn't too impressive. i like makeup, but i can't apply it artfully like some can. i am not super in-shape, but i'm not fat. i'm a mom, but i don't want to talk about mom-related things ad nauseam. i like going for walks and talking to people-mainly letting you do the talking because i really don't like talking that much myself. God wired me to be more of the listening type, which i believe goes hand-in-hand with the empathy piece. gone are the days of my getting riled up about things because nothing is new under the sun to me. i am no longer surprised by human behavior in the extreme. i just expect screwed up things to happen until Christ's return. i am still outraged by abortion and human trafficking, and i refuse to be blase about that, but that's about it.

i used to have somewhat of a social life pre-stella, but i never had a thriving, super-hip, receiver-of-many-invitations kind of life. and i'm okay with that. i'm shy in some circumstances, but i can maintain a conversation with pretty much anyone. i've never been popular at any point in my life, thank God. i'm usually the person who introduces people to other people and then they become friends and forget me. it's just the way it is, and i'm ready to accept it.

i think i am pretty close to the giving up on making new friends. everyone else seems so established in their friends circle. they have one massive thing that they can relate to or some circumstance that they find themselves sharing in, and i just happen to not have that. i am not saying this in a woe-is-me way. i just arrived to that realization recently and i have made peace with it. i am a realist. i don't fit in any one person or group's way of life or thinking, or any one of the following social groups: sewing/cooking/no pain meds in birth group/natural foods and products only/we love camping and the great outdoors!/drink all the time and party and abuse our freedom in Christ extreme/sit at home and do nothing group because spending money on fun seems too out-of-control/super spiritual all the time/...you get the picture. i just can't belong to any of these social/Christian sub-culture groups. i don't fall in step with any of those distinctions. and you could argue that i am labeling people. maybe i am, but that is how i see things. i think i was naive to believe anyone else would welcome me into their circle. i would seem too apathetic to their lifestyle. i would be boring. so, i will talk to people from these loosely-defined groups. i will really be drawn to some of these people, but i will never be one of them. i am a social nomad. i've been through some uniquely crappy life-altering experiences (as many of us have) which have shaped who i am and i don't think i am very relatable as a result.

another thing i have realized lately is that i don't idolize anyone or any idea or organization anymore. people and things are way too disappointing. they lose their luster after awhile. i am disappointing. i am no longer shiny - i never was. everything crumbles. most things are disillusioning. the new thing is not so new. the exciting idea's brilliance has waned and faded. absolutely everyone and everything lets me down in some way, shape, or form, and i know i let everyone else down in some way, too. i am so aware of my human-ness; my shortcomings. my regrets have weighed me down and put me in a humble place. i am just me. and people can take me as i am, or move along. i'm tired of trying to fit into your mold and being the person you want me to be. i can't be that, and i don't expect you to kill yourself in the process of trying to be someone you can't be, either. i will take you for who you are. isn't that what Christ does, after all?