see you in heaven

i had a christian piano teacher my senior year of high school who, after my last lesson, said to me, "if i don't see you again, i'll see you in heaven."that goodbye has always stuck with me. she didn't say it in a sappy "precious moments" kind of way - just sort of matter-of-fact. life takes us down so many different roads - some of those paths lead us away from people we were just getting to know and like so much.

as many of you know, i attended college out-of-state in ohio. i made friends and acquaintances along the way that i knew would be difficult to see on a regular basis once i had graduated and moved back to minnesota. (if i can help it, i am going to encourage our kids to stay in-state for higher education, if they choose to pursue college). this makes me sad. my college roommate is the person i most miss, and we have only been able to see each other in person a handful of times since graduation, and one of those times i was very nauseated and exhausted in my first trimester of pregnancy. although e-mailing and talking on the phone help to bridge that distance gap, there is nothing like interacting face to face: talking, having coffee together, shopping.

after graduation, life was getting married, transitioning to marriage, finding a job, hating job, finding a different job, going on vacations, getting pregnant. now i am a mom and now, more than ever, maintaining friendships has become quite a challenge since my time is devoted to stella. i worry sometimes that my friendships are going to slide because on my end, i just can't give what it takes to keep a friendship going. it's also hard for us to make new friends at church because of stella's schedule. not to mention how hard it is for brett and me to have time to talk to each other. i can relate to another couple we are friends with (and who are first-time parents as well) who have described how their marriage has changed: "our conversations are more about logistics than they are relational." and it's not that we are lacking in babysitters - stella is just too young yet to leave behind. we are still solidifying a bedtime routine and, only once that is more concrete, would i feel okay with leaving her with someone in the evening (and with her feeding schedule and not very good with taking a bottle)...not that i don't trust the babysitter, but i just know stella would give that poor person such a hard time.

so, to the friends and family that i don't get to see on a regular basis due to long distance or plain old busyness and/or new parenthood: i miss you. i haven't forgotten you. if you invite us to do something social and we say no, it's not you. it's stella. haha! it's just that my life has been turned inside out and upside down and i'm treading water right now. and, in the extreme case that i don't see some of you ever again on earth, i will see you in heaven. maybe we can catch up then...if we're not too busy flying or something.