I found two posts in my Drafts folder!

I discovered this post in my Drafts folder dated back in 2011... I had titled it "Can I get a re-do?"

Do you ever wish you could delete certain sections out of your life or start all over and do things differently? I'm sure every one of us thinks that at some point in our adult life. I told Brett recently that I wish we could go back to January 8, 2005, the day after we were married. I don't literally wish we could, but you know what I mean. There are things I know now that I wish I knew then and other things I wish we would have avoided or done differently. I wish I would have known I had depression prior to getting married so that I could have been on medication during the engagement and wedding planning process and first year of marriage rather than getting diagnosed months after getting married. I felt really down and sad on our honeymoon and first few months (well, first few years, to be honest) of marriage for no apparent reason at all. So frustrating. I wish I would have known which antidepressant had worked right away rather than having to try six other kinds before I found "the one."

I wish we would have stayed in our apartment a little longer and instead just have taken our time and found a place that wasn't a fixer-uper. Brett likes fixing things up and doing things on his own, but it has been such a long process and took so much of his time. I don't know if he has the same regret as I in that area, but I sure don't want to do the fixing up thing again, especially now that we have a child.

I could go even further in the past and said I wish I had grown up in a different church; picked a different major in college; sought out more academic advice; had better jobs. One thing leads to another, doesn't it?

But that wasn't my/our story. Not that I think we are robots with no free will. God is sovereign over our life trajectory, but we are responsible for our choices, good and bad alike: our emotional choices, our relational choices, our logistical choices, financial choices, our mundane choices, our course-of-life-changing choices. Thank God he is in the driver seat or we would all be floundering beyond hope.

I want to write more, but the baby is waking up. (This seems to be a common closing these days, is it not?)

And here is another post I found written in April of 2011:

sometimes i meet people who happen not to be christians, and i think i wish he/she were a christian because he/she would really represent Christ well. it may be something about the personality: she is a warm person; he is authentic; they are conversationally engaging; they are generous, non-judgmental, able to laugh at themselves; gregarious; charismatic; non-defensive.

this is not to say there aren't christians who don't demonstrate these qualities, but sadly, i don't seem to come across them very often. or maybe there are fewer of them in this area because i live in a culture represented largely by scandinavians, who tend to be stoic and guarded. (sometimes i want to shake these people and get them to express an opinion or talk about something besides the weather, or at least encourage them to make one facial expression a day that requires their whole face to move)!

i know personality is a big factor, but as christians shouldn't we make an effort to be warm and engaging in spite of our personality and not use it as an excuse? it is helpful to know people's general personality type in order to understand the person, but i don't believe it should always get people off the hook for being cold or impersonal or stingy. (stingy as in being so frugal and minimalistic that the person comes off as never enjoying life, and who wants to be with someone who tends toward that extreme? yes, we are supposed to live financially within our means, but this doesn't mean we can't ever do anything fun...and wow, i am really tired of qualifying things). by the way, i am also thinking of doing a post about frugality because i have a lot of thoughts to process concerning that topic.

for example, i am well aware that i can be pretty shy, especially in large groups of people i don't know well. i feel panicky and just want to close down, or i may be involved in a conversation with someone i just met, and i keep thinking i hope i don't run out of things to say. when i feel nervous, i feel my face tighten up and my breathing gets shallower, so i try to do an internal and external re-grouping. internally, i tell myself to calm down and remind myself that i am not in danger; externally, i smile. there is something about smiling that puts me at ease (and who doesn't want to be around a person who is smiling)? also, if i notice i have crossed my arms or something, i un-cross them and give them a little discreet shake-out so that i literally loosen up. if the situation allows, i try to take a deep breath. sometimes i can't do any of these things, and i possibly come across as boring, stiff or threatened. it may be because i am really tired or have had a lot of people-interaction that day and my introverted self simply can't take one more conversation because it's so emotionally and mentally demanding for me, (and i really hope in these situations that my fellow christians give me grace). i think that's okay sometimes. i can identify when this happens with other people, and i just want to tell them, "we don't have to talk right now" or "it's okay. you seem tired. we don't have to do this right now. i understand how you feel," but i digress...that is not the point of this post; that is the exception rather than the rule. my point is that we should know ourselves, our limits, our boundaries according to our disposition, but not use it as a crutch to avoid people or not engage with people-be they believers or unbelievers. as christians especially, our demeanor should reflect kindness, empathy, generosity, genuine interest because we are representing Christ at all times.

when i come across christians who are the life of the party, warm, and funny, i feel really encouraged that they exist, and i especially admire christians who make a visible effort to be engaging and friendly even though i know they have to work extra hard to be that way because of their natural bent to the opposite. God can use all personalities, and he can give us anxiety-stricken, shy people grace and strength to be friendly and warm. i was at a party recently, and i observed my sister-in-law talking to an unbeliever with such warmth and friendliness, that i just had to smile to myself and thank God for people like her because the woman she was talking to may very well now, if she hadn't before, associate christianity with my friendly sister-in-law.

disclaimer: God doesn't want saving-face robots representing him. sometimes we go through painful trials in our lives and it's next to impossible to smile. i am not referring to these people. we need to extend grace to those who are suffering and not put false motives on them. i also don't want to minimize the power of the Holy Spirit, who can work through any situation and use any person and any personality as a means to someone's salvation.

so, remember who you are representing: Jesus Christ. smile. engage. exude warmth. laugh. remember you are going to heaven some day to live out an eternity with Christ. we want others to share in that, too.

represent!

:)