joy inexpressible

It's been a rough week and weekend. I am ready for April. I'm over winter. We're all for green grass and playing at the park, and going to the beach. We're over slush, snow, sleet, ice, cold, dismally gray skies. Bring on the sunshine, flowers, and lazy summer strolls.

Brett worked long hours, and even worked all day Saturday. Stella has a terrible cold - usually it's "just" a cold, but this one has been more severe with coughing, fever, and head congestion. Saturday night she was awake from around 11:30-4:30 with a fever (not to mention some hallucinations that came from that) and lots of coughing and ear pain. Brett took her to the doctor Sunday morning. Surprisingly, she didn't have an ear infection. The doctor said that she probably has lots of fluid pressure on her ear tubes which is causing discomfort - especially when she lies down. She took a nap yesterday, and woke up a few times throughout last night. She is pretty miserable. We are reading lots of books, snuggling, and watching some Angelina Ballerina via Netflix. She also likes taking baths as they are soothing for all her cold-related aches and pains.

I was feeling so low yesterday with having our weekend chopped in half by Brett's working on Saturday and then he and I were so exhausted from being up with Stella so much Saturday night. I am starting to feel rundown like I'm getting something, too. I'm praying Grace doesn't catch whatever Stella has.

A few pictures of happy little Gracie-girl:

I thought a lot about suffering yesterday, and maybe you don't consider being sleep-deprived and taking care of sick kids as being suffering, but I think we all have different thresholds for pain, suffering, and general hardships. No, my suffering is not as acute as the person who has cancer, who has lost a loved one, etc., but my suffering is my suffering. And God cares. That is the comforting truth that I am getting better at believing. :) One of my brothers texted me: "God will bring you through this, He is personally involved." I loved that. I'm so tempted to pull up my bootstraps and just soldier through hard times instead of remembering Jesus, my friend whose yoke is easy and whose burden is light.

Today Grace, Stella, and I were hanging out on our bed. Stella noticed Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts on my nightstand. She was drawn to it because of the picture of a bird's nest and robin's egg blue eggs nestled inside. She opened it thinking there would be lots more pictures, but I explained that there were just words inside, and that the book is about how we should thank God for all the wonderful gifts he gives to us like Daddy and Grace; our house, food, sunshine, etc. This prompted us to come up with a list of things we were thankful for. She listed family members and friends...and Mommy.

I'm thankful Grace has been napping well on these difficult days that I have needed to give more attention to Stella as she's sick; I'm thankful for a husband who has a job in spite of his having to devote so much of his time to it because the business is young and there are so many things to do on the front end. I'm thankful that he got dessert for us from Spasso and decaf coffee beans from Caribou on Saturday evening; I'm thankful he took Stella on a walk Sunday so she could enjoy some sunshine and maybe temporarily be distracted from her misery; I loved that Brett got chicken tortilla soup from Lakewinds on Sunday and made grilled cheese sandwiches to go along with the soup. I'm grateful for the books I get to read to Stella and Grace; for all the windows in our new home that let in so much natural light. I'm looking forward to changing the calendar to April tomorrow - that I'll get to see Luke and Naomi in a couple weeks. Well, clearly the list could go on and on.

Aaaaand in spite of all the things I'm thankful for, I will not push my not-happy feelings under the rug. I acknowledge they exist. I'm not a robot. I'm just trying to get perspective in spite of the downcast soul feelings.

Before Brett leaves for work in the morning, he reads the Bible on the iPad via the ESV application. I asked him what he was reading today as I sat next to him holding Grace early this morning. He read aloud the following from 1 Peter 1:3-9, and I loved the reminder of hope for those who believe.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! hAccording to his great mercy, ihe has caused us to be born again to a living hopejthrough the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to kan inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and lunfading, mkept in heaven for you,5 who by God's power are being guarded nthrough faith for a salvationoready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by pvarious trials, 7 so thatqthe tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes rthough it is tested by sfire—may be found to result in tpraise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8 uThough you have not seen him, you love him. vThough you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9 obtaining wthe outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

And to keep things real, here's a makeup-less, filter-less picture of me after being up nearly all night Saturday. Yes, I know it's kind of "emo", but I'm having fun experimenting with different angles and being artsy. :) I like capturing emotions other than "happy happy happy" here is me with my cute baby. No, this is smack in the middle of "I am so tired. I am so utterly frustrated with how this weekend is going and I'm waging spiritual battle against my selfish thoughts and the temptation to trust in the wrong things..."