on being good enough

Lately I've been feeling like a loser; down; in a rut. I can't seem to lose the pregnancy/baby weight. I can't keep my house clean or picked up for more than 5 hours at a time. I'm terrible at getting motivated to do meal planning. Brett and I can't get a decent night's rest because both our girls have been waking up at least 1-2 times per night. We have a church membership application to fill out - it's been sitting on the desk for almost six months now. Now that BSF is over, I have had trouble opening my Bible every day and reading something. I pray every day, but it's not focused prayer. Then I feel guilty that I'm such a lousy Christian. Also I am always behind on updating this blog - it's something that I so enjoy doing - chronicling our little niche of the world - and I hardly ever have free time to do it. I'm bad at keeping in touch with people. I worry that people think I'm any number of negative things.

I am realizing that I get performance anxiety. I am not a perfectionist because I know that no one is perfect and perfection is unattainable, but I do always strive to do things well, and if I know I can't do something well, I don't want to do it at all.

I've also come to realize over the past couple years that I idolize harmony and things going smoothly. Okay, let's call it what it is: control freak. I don't like things feeling out of control. It makes me panic. I would really like to be the kind of person that goes with the flow. Being a parent has helped me get better at relinquishing my quest for control because every day is an adventure. I never know what the day will throw at me. I don't know if my kids will wake up sick. I don't know if they'll wake up multiple times through the night or not at all. I don't know what Stella will get into and create a mess. So, I thank my girls for teaching me that life doesn't always go according to plan.

I'm trying to take baby steps. Yesterday I bought workout pants. I'm scanning my Pinterest boards for healthy recipes that I've pinned. We bought a double stroller over the weekend so I can take both girls on a walk. These are good steps to take, but that is the external doing - my heart is still not resting that I am enough in Jesus even if I weighed 300 pounds. I want to stop feeling like I need to prove myself worthy of God's love.

But I'm tired of having to try. I want things to come easy. I'm embarrassed of failing over and over and over again. I don't know how to give myself grace - when I give myself grace, I feel lazy and pathetic. I want to coast, but you can't coast for long on this earth - nothing stays good for very long. You have to fight: fight for joy, fight for peace, fight for faith. But the whole time I'm fighting, I also get to rest: rest in Christ's finished work for my life. So this life is about finding the balance between fighting and resting/trusting. Sometimes it goes well, and most of the time it doesn't.

So the above little inspirational snippet is reminding me that even if I fail over and over and over again throughout the day, it's never to late to try. And as a Christian, I know Jesus is walking next to me. I'm not alone, even on the days I feel so alone and beat down.

During my formative years, I attended a performance-driven, do-do-do, graceless church that has messed up my thinking when it comes to doing versus resting in Jesus. I never felt good enough, and I still have to remind myself that I am good enough because of what Jesus did for me in his death and resurrection. I find myself needing help knowing when to do and when to not do. This doesn't make much sense, but for those of you who have been in the kind of church I grew up in, I think you know where I'm coming from. I think I'll be figuring out this balance until the day I die. :)

Okay, awkward ending, but I have to go...